In the Weeds

Aloha from Hawaii! Just wanted to note that despite my semi-retirement from blogging, I have signed on to be a contributor to In the Weeds, a group golf blog made up mostly of Deadspin commenters.

I hope to do a little Masters liveblogging tomorrow, as I've got to be logged in to do a bit of work (boo).

PS - Masters picks: Tiger, Geoff Ogilvy, Stewart Cink, Lee Westwood. I like Boo Weekley as a dark horse.

The Most Important Thing Ever

I was there. Last Sunday. The J-E-T-S JETS beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

And Dr./Mrs. Poon was there too. After telling me all week how the JETS would get their asses kicked.

Mwahahahaha.

We're talkin bout practice, man

I suppose now that my legal career is on its way, I should update everyone on my progress, as I started this blog and wrote 90% of it in law school.

When I think about it, though, I've been pretty disappointed with how things have played out. Consider that:

* I have not been nominated to a federal judgeship.
* I have not been examining a witness in a deposition and had opposing counsel "object to [me] being way too cute to ask that question."
* I have not had the opportunity to breakdance during my closing argument.
* I still don't know who moved Spencer Johnson's cheese.
* I have not traveled to Borneo to retrieve the solid gold idol that would appease the Rain God and bring the monsoons to harvest the crops, thus allowing my client to proceed with its multibillion-dollar crossclaims against the Sun God. [That was particularly disappointing, as I was lured to my firm through promises of idol-retrieval.]
* I have not had the opportunity make out with Jessica Alba.

Man, it's even more disappointing when I write it all out like that. Maybe big firm life just isn't for me. If some of those things don't happen in the next 3 or 4 weeks, I am outta here.

Looking good, Moose

Meanwhile, I had my 10-year high school reunion the other night. That was pretty cool. 99% of our class looks the same. Except for, you know, the pregnant ones. They weren't pregnant at the 5-year.

Of course, half of my class is on Facebook already, so it's not like we all didn't know what everyone else was up to.

(Special kudos go to Dr./Mrs. Poon for accompanying me. It was nice to have a doctor there to balance out all the lawyers. Apparently that's just what you do when you go to my high school.)


SMP? LINER NOTES: There really is no better title for this post, so I must credit a buddy of mine who texted me to have some drinks and then texted that back when I told him I was at the reunion. Great stuff.

My boys need a house

I am breaking the silence in this space to wonder aloud what the hell has happened to jeans. I was out shopping with the Dr./Mrs. yesterday (and lived to tell the tale, thank you very much) and she suggested I try on some fancy, expensive jeans, since the ones I usually wear, from Banana Republic, are a few years old and are starting to go.

And, yes, before I go any further, "fancy, expensive jeans" means exactly what you think it does: her label and price but ph-balanced for him.

Except, snark aside, that's kinda not true. As best as I can tell, jeans for dudes that cost over $150 do not contemplate that the men wearing them actually have genitalia. Seriously. Even the "relaxed" ones lowered my sperm count in the dressing room.

So, like, what happens if you get an erection in these things -- does it break?

Now batting

This is frustrating:

Well, jeez, Halle, you couldn't have given me a shot?

I thought it fitting considering the rocky terrain

Brilliant.

Blowin' in the Wind

RIP Marcel Marceau


SMP? LINER NOTES: Heh.

Man

Dude, the Yankees can't do that to me. I think I vomited 90 times during that game.

And it saves you some cash - which is just as good as money

I love this line from ESPN, regarding whether Phil Mickelson can catch Tiger Woods for the FedEx Cup:

Better than "Phil"

Do you think Danny Masterson, Bijou Phillips's's's longtime boyfriend, calls her "Beej" for short?

Rod Roddy

Meanwhile, we bought a car today. Me and the Dr./Mrs., that is. That makes us grownups, right?

That kinda sucks.


SMP? LINER NOTES: (I can still act 5 years old, right? Right?)

Boo Bees

Please add Southwest Airlines to the list of companies I am boycotting.

(Via)

Um

Um, is anyone watching Conan? This band is cracking me the hell up. Each member is like some terrible band stereotype. The lead singer is the best, though -- he's equal parts Mick Jagger, Lou Reed, William Hung, Bobcat Goldthwait, and drunk-girl-at-a-bar-desperately-trying-to-impress-someone.

Working day and night

I don't know why but this old post made me laugh way more than it should have.

We all love to play

I was all set to buy myself this nifty product... and then I noticed the price.

I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne

Over at Throwing Things, Matt ponders what the "crystal skull" could be in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the upcoming fourth installment of the classic franchise.

Is it really that difficult to imagine?

Shill

I suppose I'm a little disappointed that The Onion hasn't done some variant of Curt Schilling Starts Online Feud With Curt Schilling.

I can't control the volume of my voice

Is there anything better on TV right now that the Chairman on Iron Chef America screaming the theme ingredient? Tonight, he screamed, "CITRUS!!!"

Quite honestly, though, no matter what the theme ingredient is in any particular episode, I crack up when he screams it out. I'm not sure which is the best I've seen, although I'm certain that "PRAWNS!!!!!" would be the ultimate.

(Of course, I think they should bring in Samuel L. Jackson to do this in each episode. "You're cooking zucchini, mothafucka!!!")

MMPWNBS

It's time for another edition of...

...Movies Mr. Poon Will Not Be Seeing!

See you next time!